Self love is a fairly new term that has been trending with the increased awareness of mental health and mental health treatment. It is an important component of healing and improved mental health. But what exactly is “self love.” Self love is defined by Jeffrey Borenstein, M.D. state of appreciation for oneself that grows from actions that support our physical, psychological and spiritual growth. Self love encompasses healing, self worth and value, and includes not settling for less than you feel you deserve in any aspects of life and love.

As a therapist, self love and worth are addressed early in sessions of the client’s healing journey. When encouraged to begin practicing self love, I’m often asked what does that mean, in which I reply, the way you feel loved by others, demonstrate that for yourself. If you feel loved by receiving flowers, buy yourself flowers. If you feel loved by quality time, spend quality time with yourself, ect. The next question is usually, how do I start? If you have the same question then, this post maybe helpful. Here is exactly how you start your self love journey.

Steps for Beginning Your Self Love Journey

Step 1. Identify your love language. Your love language is basically the way you feel loved by others. There are love language test and a book about the love languages. Recently some people fall into two love language categories of love languages, but ultimately you will score highest in one. Once identifying your love language, identify actions that fall within that category to start doing for yourself.

Step 2. Change the way you think about and talk to yourself. Pay more attention on how you think about yourself and talk to yourself. Notice if you call yourself names such, particularly when making mistakes such as stupid, lazy, idiot, or ugly. Do you refer to yourself or thing of yourself in negative ways followed up with absolutes such as always or never? Increasing your awareness of the negative self talk and intentionally referring to yourself less negative or more positive is an action of self love. Additionally, giving yourself compassion and empathy is as equally important to a self love journey. I recently shared some self love affirmations in the February Newsletter. You’ll find additional ones below.

Step 3. Forgive yourself. Identify the decisions and mistakes that you have made and forgive yourself. Understanding that you made the best decision with the knowledge you had at that time and recognize that if you could have known the undesirable outcome, you probably would not have made that decision. Understanding that making that decision or mistake was necessary to become the person you are now and that you are probably the only person (or few) people who are blaming yourself. Everyone makes mistakes and mistakes do not come with an age limit. Learning from past mistakes and decisions with unfavorable outcomes is how your learn, learning to do something different is called growth.

Step 4. Heal. Allow yourself to heal from the past traumas, mistakes, hurt, disappointment that your hold on to justify your unworthiness and inability to be loved. Healing looks different for every individual. Identify what that has to look like for you. For some, healing is done in therapy, other’s church or a spiritual connection, and other’s journaling and shadow work. For other’s healing is the combination of all the above.

The self love journey is a journey and not a destination. It is life long and continues to evolve as you do. Self love does not have to have an aesthetic as social media suggest or influences.

If you or someone you know resonates with the information shared in this article and would like to attend therapy to assist with overcoming the above mentioned symptoms and are located in the states of NC, SC, VA, or MD you can click here to see my rates and/or the insurance I accept.  You can click here to schedule a consultation or Initial Evaluation.  

Disclaimer: I am a Licensed Clinical Social Worker, but I am not YOUR Licensed Clinical Social Worker. These blog posts are based on my personal opinions, reflections, and insights and are not intended to be taken as professional therapeutic intervention(s) and/or advice. Further, please note these blogs are not intended to serve as and/or replace formal counseling services. If you are in need or interested in taking part in direct therapeutic services, please contact your insurance provider’s customer service for assistance. You may also consult website such as (but not limited to) Psychology Today and Therapy for Black Girls to find a therapist. If you are located in NC, MD, SC, or VA and would like to work with me, click here to ensure I accept your insurance or check my rates and here to schedule an appointment.